Parenting Neurodivergent Teens

My neurodivergent kids are both teenagers now. I love them so dearly, and they are very different from most other teenagers.

In the last couple of years, we’ve been on a journey together to get some more information about them. As parents, we decided to wait to seek out this information until our kids were interested in it for themselves. In our case, this happened when they were in their preteen and early teen years.

This process involved some assessments. The two main pathways to get assessments in Ontario are through a psychologist (either privately or through the school system) or through a medical doctor/pediatrician. We’ve had assessments from both of those pathways.

It turns out that both of my kids are on the autism spectrum (ASD) and one of them also has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia. These days they are referring to the combination of ASD and ADHD as AuDHD.

How neurodivergence presents varies from person to person. With my family, the later diagnoses are indicative of high-functioning kids. Both of these kids had no language or developmental delays, they tested as gifted and are performing well in school. As a side note: those gifted programs are really helpful, as they are full of neurodivergent kids who might otherwise not find their tribe in regular school.

A decade or two ago, these kids probably wouldn’t have been diagnosed at all and just would have been considered quirky. The understanding and diagnosing of neurodivergent conditions is more nuanced and evolved now.

What Diagnosis Meant for Our Family

Gaining diagnoses in a family is really interesting. In some ways it changes nothing. If you think about it, these are the exact same kiddos both before and after diagnosis. In other ways, it can bring some change. For my family it meant:

• Both my husband and I had to take a look at ourselves and our contributions to our kids. The Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) comes from my husband’s side of the family and the ADHD from my side. As it turns out, this was a bit harder for us to accept about ourselves and our families than it was for our kids to accept about themselves.

I discovered along the way that a lot of parents around my age are starting to understand aspects of themselves as their kids are getting diagnosed. If I’m being honest, being on trend with that surprised me a bit.

• I personally had to work through a bit of loss with the confirmation of this news and also some fears about what this could mean.
• It has helped us with advocating for our kids more than I realized it would. We have clarity and language on this side of diagnoses that has empowered us to negotiate for their needs with schools and medical procedures.
• It’s also softened something for my husband and I in our understanding of these two. Now we parent them in a way that adapts expectations to where they are and what they need. We can’t parent these two the same way you would parent two neurotypical teens.

From One Parent to Another

If you are in the same boat as we are as parents, you’ll know that neurodivergent parenting is a pretty specific gig with its own unique joys and stresses. You’ll have gained your own wisdom as you have walked that walk. My wisdom to you is:

• Your kid is amazing. Kids like this usually find a cool path in life. Sometimes they grow up to be incredible innovators, leaders and change agents. Their future is not written yet, and it is full of hope and potential.
• This type of parenting isn’t necessarily more, it’s just different. You’ll spend your energy in different places than that of parents of neurotypical kids, but remember there are stresses you’ll be spared from with these kids.
• You may be eligible for a disability tax credit (DTC) for raising this kiddo. Talk to your GP about filling out the Canadian Revenue Agency (CRA) form with you. If there is an ASD diagnosis in the mix, you may be eligible for support from the Ontario Autism Program.
• The joy with this parenting gig can be full and abundant.

I had a pretty big health scare a couple of years ago. My biggest learning from that experience is how deeply I love my family and how grateful I am to have these specific kids. I fought for my health so that I could have the opportunity to raise them. It has been such a gift that I have shifted from seeing my family as a cup half-empty situation to one that is a wonderfully full cup. I hope the same for you and your neurodivergent family (without the health scare, of course) ❤️.

Counselling for parents of neurodivergent kids and counselling for neurodivergent teens is available here at the Toronto Counselling Centre for Teens; we’d love to hear from you and walk alongside you on this journey.