How Do I Help My Teen Navigate a Breakup?

Breakups suck. They are even more painful when it’s your first experience with heartbreak, as it will be for your teen at some point. Most of us will go through this pain at some stage in our life, and it’s perfectly normal to feel these emotions. No matter which end of the breakup your teen might find themselves on, there will be a lot of emotions to work through. Breakups bring up a range of emotions: shock, hurt, anger, confusion, denial, loneliness, and maybe even relief. Everyone responds differently to a breakup, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving and healing.

As parents, it is difficult to witness your child struggle. Sometimes parents feel helpless to know how to support them. Seeing your teenager upset may feel like your own heart is being torn from your chest. If you find yourself in this situation, continue reading for some tips on how to be there for your child during this challenging time.

TIP #1 – DON’T MINIMIZE THEIR PAIN AND EXPERIENCE

Reflect on your past breakups and remember the shock and hurt you felt. Remind yourself that your teen is experiencing those same emotions right now. We have all been in their shoes, feeling heartbroken and like nothing will ever be okay again. As much as you may want to fix things and make your teen feel better, the best thing you can do is acknowledge their pain and show them that you understand. Let them know that you see how much it sucks and how much they are hurting. Allow them to experience their emotions without the pressure to “just move on,” or feel like they are overreacting. The last thing parents want is for our teens to feel misunderstood on top of feeling heartbroken.

TIP #2 – LET THEM KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AND THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM

This will vary based on your teenager and their relationship with you, but some teens will rely on you for support and want to spend extra time with you. Others may not want to talk about how they are feeling with their parents and that is okay, as long as they have other supports in place (see tips 3 and 8). Being there for them doesn’t necessarily have to mean talking to them about how they are feeling. Don’t underestimate the power of making them their favourite meal or snack or taking them out for a spontaneous ice cream run! Maybe suggest watching their favourite movie together or playing games as a family.

TIP #3 – ENCOURAGE THEM TO TALK TO THEIR FRIENDS

Breakups can be lonely, and it’s important for your teen to have a support system in place. Their friends will likely play a big role in providing that support. Encourage your teen to reach out to their friends to talk, or make plans to hang out and do something fun. While some teens may want to isolate themselves, try to encourage them to lean on those around them for support.

TIP #4 – DON’T SUDDENLY INSULT THEIR EX

Your protective parental instincts are probably telling you to reassure your teen and find ways to help them feel better. Maybe you are tempted to tell them that you never liked their ex or that they will find someone so much better. While both of these comments come from a good place, they can give the teen the impression that you don’t think they should be as upset as they are. Follow your teen’s lead on how they are speaking about their ex and the future and try to respond accordingly.

TIP #5 – HELP THEM STAY ON TOP OF THEIR SELF-CARE

When you are feeling heartbroken, remembering to take care of yourself can be difficult. As a parent, you can help your child make sure they are prioritizing their self-care and health. This includes ensuring they are eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring them joy. If they are struggling to leave the house or are reluctant to get out of bed, consider encouraging them to take a walk around the block with you, perhaps with a family pet.

TIP #6 – HELP THEM ESTABLISH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH THEIR EX

In today’s world, teens are in constant contact with their friends and significant others, whether it be texting, Snapchatting, sending TikTok videos, or Facetiming. Your teen probably spent a lot of time talking to their significant other and now, all of the sudden, they aren’t. It can be difficult to know how to navigate this post-breakup communication. Your teen likely spent a lot of time in the company of their significant other, and now there is this giant hole where their ex used to be. Who do you go to when you are upset? Probably your best friend. But what happens when your best friend is the person you just broke up with? Help your teen establish healthy boundaries around communicating with their ex. If you notice them doing things like texting their ex constantly or looking at pictures, you can gently ask if that’s helping them, or try to redirect them towards other ways to express their feelings.

TIP #7 – KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR CONCERNING BEHAVIOURS

While it’s normal to feel sad and down after a breakup, and it isn’t unusual to be less interested in activities that you previously enjoyed, sometimes the pain of heartbreak can be so intense that it disrupts your teen’s functioning. Keep an eye out for signs that your teen is struggling to keep up with their school work, using drugs or alcohol to cope with the pain, lashing out at their ex or their friends, or struggling with their eating and sleeping patterns. If your teen starts expressing signs of depression or suicidal ideation, this is a good time to connect with their doctor and consider tip #8.

TIP #8 – ENCOURAGE THEM TO COME TO THERAPY

Everyone can benefit from attending therapy and having the opportunity to discuss what is happening in their life and how it is impacting them. However, it is important to avoid giving your teen the impression that there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. Present therapy as a place where they can receive support from someone who is not directly involved in the situation, or as an hour dedicated solely to talking about their concerns. If your teen is already seeing a therapist, help them schedule an appointment and encourage them to discuss their feelings with their therapist. If your teen does not have a therapist, now is a great time to connect them with one! At Toronto Counselling Centre for Teens, we specialize in working with teens, and we are experienced in supporting teens who are going through break-ups.

Overall, being there for your teen during this time will look different for every parent. Take the time to understand what they need from you and those around them, and reassure them that you understand how much they are hurting.