Rupture and Repair

The first time I watched Dr. Becky Kennedy’s talk, The Most Important Strategy for Parenting, I had a eureka moment! Her insights are easy to grasp, and the tips she provides for how to repair parent-child relationships (and meaningful connections in general) are very practical and relevant. This blog, inspired by her TED talk, will outline what a relationship rupture is, how to repair a rupture, and outline a model for how to manage feelings of parental shame and guilt that often accompany moments of conflict with children.

We must first understand: What is a relationship rupture? Ruptures are a break in the nurturing connection with a child, and they are an inevitable consequence in parent-child dynamics and other intimate and meaningful relationships. Ruptures can occur for various reasons, including misunderstanding, disagreement, or differences in values or expectations. Ruptures can also be a result of the challenges parents face when confronted with adolescents separating and individuating, as well as parenting styles or major life events that strain the parent-child relationship. A rupture in the parent-child relationship can manifest in different ways, including emotional distance, lack of communication, resentment, or hostility. It can be a painful and challenging experience for both the parent and the child, influencing a child’s emotional well-being and sense of belonging in the family. 

During the talk, Dr. Kennedy shares a tough moment with her son, demonstrating how parents sometimes react inappropriately to their kids’ actions based on how the parent is feeling about their own parenting efficacy (or lack thereof). It’s a scene many parents can relate to and really brings home the point that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. The story begins with her son not appreciating what she cooked for dinner. “Chicken again? Disgusting”, he remarks. Dr. Kennedy, exhausted and anxious about the upcoming work week, snapped at her son, “What is wrong with you? Can’t you be grateful for one thing in your life?”, to which her son screamed “I hate you” and ran out of the kitchen, slamming his bedroom door. 

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the universal significance of meaningful connections and underscores the necessity of repair in nurturing them. While her focus lies on parent-child dynamics, her insights resonate across all significant relationships. Dr. Kennedy defines repair as the proactive act of revisiting a moment of disconnect, owning up to one’s actions, and recognizing the impact on others. Unlike a simple apology, repair fosters dialogue rather than stifling it. To demonstrate how an apology fails to achieve the goal of reconnection, while also insinuating that the child caused the parent’s response, Dr. Kennedy shares this dialogue: “Hey, I’m sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but, you know, if you wouldn’t have complained about dinner, it wouldn’t have happened.” 

Repair holds paramount importance; failure to do so often prompts children to internalize blame as a coping mechanism. This self-blame can precipitate lasting emotional challenges like anxiety and depression in adulthood. Repair fundamentally alters the narrative surrounding a challenging event, replacing self-blame with feelings of security, connection, and affection—fundamental ingredients for robust emotional growth. 

Dr. Kennedy delineates two pivotal steps for effective repair. Initially, parents must mend their relationship with themselves by dissociating their identity from their actions and recognizing room for growth. Self-repair involves distinguishing between your identity—who you are—and your behaviour—what you did. For instance, if you yelled at your child, you might say, “I’m not proud of my recent behaviour but that behaviour doesn’t define who I am.” By replacing your previous turmoil with a sense of stability, parents can redirect their energy towards considering how to approach situations differently in the future. Moreover, parents are then able to invest their efforts in repairing the relationship with their child.

Subsequently, parents should engage in repair with their child by acknowledging the incident, assuming responsibility, and articulating a constructive approach for the future:  “Hey, I’ve been reflecting on what occurred the other night in the kitchen. I want to apologize for raising my voice. I understand it may have been frightening for you, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m actively striving to remain composed even in moments of frustration.” Engaging in repair with a child lays the groundwork for healthy adult relational patterns. It imparts valuable lessons on assuming accountability, managing disappointment, and fostering effective, respectful communication. It is the essence of role modeling emotion regulation for your kids. It’s never too late to mend relationships with your child. Unlike adults, a child’s life story is more fluid and open to revision. Engaging in repair can profoundly enhance their emotional health and well-being.

Towards the end of her TED talk, Dr. Kennedy prompts the audience with an emotional exercise: Audience members are asked to take a moment to envision receiving a sincere apology from their own parents in the here and now.

Try this at home. Close your eyes, imagine your parent meaningfully apologizing to you for a past hurt. Take a minute to visualize it and play it out in your imagination. 

How do you feel receiving this understanding? 

What do you notice in your body when you imagine this apology? 

Does this experience bring feelings of connectedness or distance?  

Consider the questions above and remember that your child is much younger than you. Their life story is shorter and even more open to editing and rewriting. So if this exercise resonated with you, just imagine the impact an actual repair might have on your child.

The act of repairing entails owning up to one’s actions, reframing negative experiences, and leaving a lasting positive imprint on a child’s emotional growth. This approach is adaptable across all stages of parenting and holds promise for enhancing the bond and emotional wellness of both parents and children.