Boundaries are limits that we create between ourselves and other people that define what is acceptable and healthy for us in our relationships. Boundaries are a crucial part of maintaining personal well-being. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial.
Setting boundaries can be difficult for many reasons. Maybe we’ve been taught that our needs and wants do not matter. Perhaps we tend to engage in people-pleasing behaviours, or we feel guilty when we say no. One of the biggest fears clients have around setting boundaries is how others will respond. Ideally, we would like for others to respond to our boundaries with acceptance and respect. However, when we set boundaries or adjust existing ones, we may be met with a range of reactions including defensiveness, pushback, limit testing, silent treatment, ignorance, and questioning. This article explores these six common reactions to boundary setting, and suggests 4 strategies for navigating them.
Responses to Boundaries
- Defensiveness. Some people feel threatened or attacked when a boundary is set. Someone might accuse you of being the issue in the situation. They might bring up things you have done in the past, or they might make excuses about their behavior. Let’s imagine you have set a boundary by letting your friend know that you aren’t available to attend an event they have invited you to. Your friend might respond with defensiveness and say, “What–are you too cool for me? You didn’t come to my event last time either. Why do I bother inviting you?”
- Pushing Back. Some people may feel uncomfortable when boundaries are set and fear that something is changing in the relationship, so they push back. For example, after you let your friend know that you will not be attending their event, they might respond with, “Are you sure? I liked you better when you used to come to my events.”
- Testing Limits. Limit testing is a way to challenge or resist your boundary by attempting to get past it. For example, your friend might respond to your boundary with, “I always come to your events. Can’t you just come this one time? What if you come for 30 minutes and see how you feel?”
- Ignorance. Your friend might disregard or pretend not to hear your boundary. They might continue to do what they want despite what you have requested, or they might willfully misunderstand your boundary. For example, your friend might continue to make comments about how much fun the two of you are going to have at the event despite you having said no.
- Silent treatment. This can range from responding to you with short answers to disappearing without explanation (i.e. ghosting). The silent treatment can be extremely painful; it can make us feel confused, lonely, or guilty. Remember that ghosting is not about you; it happens because the other person does not like what you have said and they are hoping you will take back the boundary.
- Questioning. This might sound like, “Why don’t you want to come? You don’t have any other plans that day.” Questioning can make us feel like we need to apologize, justify, or explain ourselves. Remember that it is okay to change your mind, and that certain behaviors may no longer work for you. When others question your boundaries, it is important to remind yourself of why you are making this change and that you are not doing anything wrong.
4 Ways to Navigate Reactions to Boundary Setting
Let’s imagine that you have been brave and worked to establish a boundary, but instead of being met with acceptance and respect you have encountered one of the negative responses mentioned above. You might choose to move forward in one of the following ways.
- Re-state your boundary clearly and assertively. For example, “I know this event is important to you, however, I will not be attending, and I hope you can respect my decision.” If it feels safe to do so in the moment, you may also share what you have noticed, how the behavior of the other is making you feel, and concerns you are having. For example, “I have noticed that when I let you know I would not be attending your event, your responses became short and cold. This made me feel upset. Can we talk about it?”
- Follow up your boundary with an action. Boundaries are for you and not about controlling the other person. If someone continues to disregard your boundary you can respond in a way that honours and protects yourself. You might say something like, “If you continue to question my boundary and call me names, I will walk away, and we can try to have this conversation later.”
- Prioritize self-care and seek support when needed. Be mindful of how your friend’s response is making you feel. When our boundaries are disrespected, we sometimes experience feelings like anger, sadness, fear, doubt, and guilt. Offer yourself kindness and compassion and engage in some of your favourite self-care practices, or turn to friends, family, or your therapist for support.
- Reduce Interactions. It is okay to take a relational time-out and decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not. Taking distance from people who do not respect our boundaries creates space for self-care and self-love, and ultimately allows our boundaries to be upheld.
If you would like to learn more about boundaries and boundary setting, here are some resources you may find helpful:
Nedra Glover Tawwab (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.
https://torontorelationshipclinic.com
https://yourteenmag.com/family-life/communication/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/shauna-middleton-kamloopsbc/
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https://www.boundariesbooks.com/blogs/boundaries-blog/how-to-determine-the-rightconsequences-when-setting-boundaries
