6 Tips for Fostering Independence in Your Tween

As a mother of three boys between seven and twelve, I’ve spent a lot of their growing years watching them learn—learning to crawl, then walk, then run, then climb, then climb higher. I’ve watched them try new sports, make new friends, and take more risks. I’ve helped them get back up, tended to broken teeth, and mopped up buckets of tears. With two brothers of my own, I anticipated a lot of this and embraced it wholeheartedly.

But there were some aspects of tweenhood that surprised me. Whereas our dinner table used to be filled with reenactments of Dog Man books and toilet-noise competitions, we’re now discussing awkward school dances, who has armpit hair, and their opinions about American politics. The chatter used to be innocent, creative, and full of fun. Now, it’s far more serious as the boys become aware of the world around them.

This beautiful stage—between 8 and 12—is when kids start preparing for adolescence. They assert their independence and, little by little, begin to distance themselves from their parents. My husband and I are slowly being ousted as they take leadership of their own lives, and it’s filled me with a real sense of sadness.

Then, the other day at dinner, I looked around the table and saw each of my boys cutting their chicken with their knives, (mostly) wiping their fingers on a napkin, and politely passing the water jug when asked. At that moment, it hit me—we’re no longer in childhood. We’ve officially entered the tweens.

So, what does that mean for me as a parent?

When I was a new mom, someone shared a simple but powerful framework with me: the three phases of parenting. The first phase is the Do For phase, when you do everything for your baby—feeding them, changing them, comforting them. Do Beside is the second phase, where you guide them in learning new skills like getting dressed, tying their shoes, and feeding themselves. I think we’ve now entered the final phase—Do Themselves—where I’m trying to let go of some control and allow my boys to start mastering their own lives. They need me to let them take risks, make mistakes, and find their own way.

This Do Themselves phase is essential during the tween years. It’s a critical time for building independence. Let me share with you a few practical ways you can help your tween navigate this phase with confidence.

1. Encourage responsibility with household chores.

Every Saturday morning, our boys are expected to help clean up the house. Daily, they make their beds, put their laundry in the machine, and clear and set the table. They often need reminders, but other privileges depend on their follow-through. 

2. Allow them to make decisions by themselves.

Supervise much less in the real world. Teach them that if something happens, they can ask another adult to borrow a cell phone to call home. I’ve taught my boys that if they can’t find someone in a uniform, they should look for a mother. If neither is available, they can ask a male. 😀

3. Have honest conversations about spending money.

This is the stage when they can appreciate how much things cost. When my sons learned how much Lego costs, we talked to them about saving their money and contributing to the purchase. Now, for their birthdays, they often ask extended family for small cash donations for their “Lego Fund,” so they can purchase something large of their choosing. They take a lot more care of their Lego when they have invested in it themselves. 

4. Stop supervising and arranging their play.

Before they can have a chat feature on a video game, they should be comfortable walking down the street (or a couple of streets) and knocking on a friend’s door. Parents arranging playdates needs to give way to kids arranging hangouts for themselves. When they have ownership of their play, it leads to more spontaneity and creativity. It’s often these made up games that become the highlight of their time with friends. 

5. Let them make mistakes.

It won’t kill them if they forget their homework. Mine used to forget his all the time, and I had to remind myself that experience is the best teacher. It was tempting to send an email or bring him his work (and I have caved before), but I know that he won’t learn if I keep rescuing him. Instead, I helped him practice how to apologize to his teacher and ask if he should stay in for recess to complete the work. 

6. Talk to other parents.

Perspective helps. Never in human history have we had a safer society. And yet, we all fear that, without us, something bad might happen. Talking to my mom friends has been the best way for me to gain the perspective I need: our kids will be okay. You can also align values with other families so there is a crew of kids and parents all working towards the same goal. 

A Final Word

This is hard. I get it. Just the other day, I let my boys walk to Tim Hortons without me—no phone, just some cash in their pockets. I had to take a moment and remind myself that they are capable. But they need practice. They won’t wake up one day just knowing how to be adults. I need to give them a chance to try for themselves.

We can do this. Our kids can do this. Let’s let them walk bravely and boldly into the next chapter of their lives.