Things I Wish I’d Known About the Grade 12 Experience

I recently had the experience of dropping my oldest daughter off at university, after a year full of decisions, milestones, and transitions. Here are a few thoughts I had while driving back home that I wish I’d known in advance of her grade 12 year. 

1. The application process for Canadian universities is shockingly straightforward. My daughter and I set aside a Saturday last fall to spend on the application process, complete with snacks and a variety of beverages, only to have the whole thing take about 10 minutes. OUAC is impressively streamlined. Every aspect of parenting has been more complicated than I expected it to be, with the exception of this one. You’re going to love it.

2. If you have the financial space to do so, having a few “sure thing” university applications in place will go a long way in reducing your child’s anxiety. As soon as these applications come rolling in (agonizingly unpredictably), the blood pressure starts to rise. Our kids will get their acceptance or rejection emails during the day on their phones; these letters pop into their emails like a jump scare. This generation does not have the luxury of coming home to a quiet house and a letter in the mailbox, to receive their life-changing news privately in front of General Hospital the way God intended. Being able to say, “I got in somewhere,” will help them survive the unrelenting 24-hour teen news cycle of seeing their friends post their amazing acceptance news on their Instagram stories. 

3. The last few weeks of high school is a devastating test of interpersonal family relationships. When I was graduating from high school in the 90s, everyone had exams during exam periods. Everyone was stressed, everyone was exhausted, everyone was studying. But now, because subjects like history and English often have culminating projects in place of exams, the student population is divided. This means that if your child gravitates towards STEM classes, they will be buried in exams, but if your child gravitates towards history and language classes, they may have no exams at all. You will either spend 3 weeks in June arguing with your STEM kid about the parties they are being invited to during exam period, or 3 weeks emotionally supporting your future historian when she arranges something for her birthday that nobody attends, because they are studying. You will spend a lot of time nodding sympathetically while saying, “Wow–so unfair, right?” and waiting for the exam period to end. I have no solution to offer, but it might help you to be emotionally prepared. 

4. When your child is getting ready for university, social media finally moves from being a terrifying indication of societal dystopia to being the practical instrument of connection it’s long been promised to be. TikToks and Instagram reels about meal halls, daily life as a particular major, the frosh week experience, or what to pack for your dorm room become invaluable. Kids will see each other’s major reflected in each other’s instagram bio, and follow each other before they actually meet, arming them with the feeling that they know what to expect from the university experience (an illusion, but still). Using social media as a tool helps in a tangible way (what to get on the IKEA run, where to pick up your frosh bracelet), as well as in a more general way-–by reducing anxiety. Not knowing what to expect in a given situation will almost always make us feel more anxious, and social media gives our kids a window into the unknown, reducing their anxiety. 

5. There is no wrong way to feel about your child going to university, and you probably won’t feel the same way about it every day. If you are overjoyed to have them out of the house, that makes sense. If you are bereft at the thought of being separated from them, that makes sense. If you are an unpredictable combination of both, that makes sense too. You might not feel the same way as your friends, your other children, or your spouse. It’s the end of an era, and we don’t all feel the same way about all of the eras. If your friends, neighbours, or family members are judging your emotional response to this transition, it might not be a safe topic for them. Celebrating where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going won’t look the same for all the parents on all the days, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about this.